The announcement that Harry
Windsor (Prince, 33) will marry Meghan Markle (Actress, 36) was
greeted with gasps of relief in London, with Teresa May (Prime
Minister, 61) leading the applause at a cabinet meeting.
“Just what we needed,” she
exclaimed. “Something to wave a flag over and not have to worry
about tomorrow and those pesky Europeans, who want big divorce money
from us. Saved again. Three cheers for the Windsors!” As the cheers
quietened, there was unanimity in action, for the first time in
months, and an orderly queue for the post-meeting sandwiches, port
and brandy.
Meanwhile, in Dublin,
politicians, still reeling from the latest political crisis, bemoaned
the fact that there is no Irish equivalent to the Windsors, though
there are many wealthy developers who act royally and think they own
the country. Just as the Windsors do, with their public subsidies and
hidden, off-shore accounts.
The former Minister for
Justice, Frances Fitzgerald (Former Tánaiste, 67), who failed to
remember emails she received from someone who failed to remember
sending them, emails so toxic they nearly tipped an already sickly
parliamentary relationship into a deadly over dose, has been shuffled
off to a hearty pension, in order to avoid an unseasonal governmental
collapse and a general election.
Speaking outside Parliament
buildings in Dublin, known as Leinster House, after the famous rugby
team, one bereft Teachta Dála (TD, public representative, age and
gender not given, but likely to be male and 45+), said
“What’s the point
of a republic if we can’t even get the team into the World Cup? Now
that’s
gone, we’re shagged. We’re short on the bread, big-time,
because we gave it to the banks and they’re looking more. And we
won’t even have a summer circus,
watching the soccer
team
get bate in Russia. Even the Gah (GAA, sporting association, edging
inexorably towards professionalism and oblivion, like rugby) is on
a go-slow for
the winter.
Frances had to be given her walking papers. Like, who wants to be
banging on a door in the middle of a sleety nowhere, looking for a
vote from a frozen aul' fella who hasn’t seen you since the last
time and who’s so far gone with isolation, poverty and the cold
that he thinks you’re Michael Collins. And do you wise him up? Do
you, me arse.”
The
Chinese International Bunting and Flag Corporation announced a hike
in its share price and a cut in workers’ wages, assuring share
holders that, with big orders expected for Union Jacks, red, white
and blue bunting and Kiss Me Quick hats, with images of either Harry
Windsor or Meghan Markle on the hat-band, the corporation plans to
accelerate its programme of throwing workers off the roofs of their
campuses (aka factories) and replacing them with robots.
A
spokesperson said: “We’ve swopped the green, white and orange
line over to red, white and blue. Production of tricolours will be
ceased as Italy and Ireland will not be going to Russia. We’ve
moved all lines onto red, white and blue.”
Meanwhile,
back at Kensington Palace, London, the newly engaged couple set up
home in the modest (sic!) Nottingham Cottage, called after a county
which the Windsor family effectively own, as part of the legacy left
to them by a former sheriff and his dastardly cronies. The people of
Nottinghamshire are said to have mixed feelings about this address.
Some feel it should be in Nottingham and have called for a name
change. Others are glad to be well away from the whole flamfew.
Harry
Windsor’s grandmother, Elizabeth the Second (Queen, dog and horse
lover, matriarch of the Firm, 91) is reportedly delighted by the news
that Harry, known as a bit of a lad who enjoyed dressing up in Nazi
and other uniforms, may be settling down. She is said not to be
disturbed by the fact that her grandson’s intended has been
described as having an ‘exotic’ background, because she is a
woman, an actress, of mixed race and most exotic of all, American. The
feisty grandmother expressed her delight at the news and had only one
concern. She asked “Does this mean we’ll have to invite that
awful man with the big hair and the wandering hands? No, I don’t
mean him. I mean the other buffoon, the one with the twang.”
A
Windsor family spokesperson assured Elizabeth the Second, and the
wider public, that the wedding guest list will be tightly scrutinised and no
one with dubious associations will be invited, apart perhaps from a
few sheiks with orders pending for jet bombers from companies in
which the Windsor family has interests.
The
spokesperson responded to critical reports that Meghan Markle
will have to give up her career as an actress when she gets married
as an unfair and old fashioned way to treat a woman today, saying
that those reports were untrue.
“Of
course, she will continue her career as an actress,” said the
Windsor family spokesperson, “only now it will be as eye-candy in
the Windsor family celebrity soap opera, which is essentially a cross
between Dallas and the jungle celebrity shows where MM, as we now
fondly know her, will get to do nasty things, like hang out with
starving children and war victims, though not in Gaza or Yemen, if
you don’t mind.”
Meanwhile,
back in Dublin, now that the threat of a Christmas election has been
seen off, a secret Dáil committee has begun meeting to come up with
a wedding that would command similar powers of popular distraction,
as the fumble to Brexiticide accelerates. They are also investigating Meghan Markle's alleged Irish roots. One notion under
consideration is an exhumation of the corpses of Queen Maeve and
Brian Boru, with a jamboree nuptial beside the sturdy phallic stone,
Lia Fáil, atop the hill of Tara.
Can’t
wait.
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