No. 10 New Normal broadcast 8.6.2020 THE LAST ONE
I bought a crystal ball. I reckoned I needed one, to see into the future, what with all the changes coming in the lockdown. Now, I was surprised to get one, because all I’ve been hearing was that there was no crystal ball to tell how this thing will go in the future. I followed my own instinct, as one of our most senior advisors told us to do after all his cummings and goings and stared into my crystal ball.
It was a bit cloudy, as there have been numerous calls from retailers and hoteliers and barbers and many others for clarity. At least now you can get your dog groomed and there’s a few shaggy dogs coming and going on our street and not all of them on four legs.
Suddenly a shot rang out and my crystal ball shattered on the table. I saw a silver bullet, nestling under the tea cosy. That surprised me, because like the crystal ball, I’d heard that there was no silver bullet for the virus or the lockdown. But there it was. It’s on the mantlepiece now, next to the photos of the grand weans.
I have no idea where it came from. Certainly not from our twin eagles Foster and O’Neill, aided by their trusty, lugubrious Swann, our health minister and his valiant public health mallardJerrythe numbers Waldron, all of whom are flying well.
After I swept up the shards of the crystal ball, I wondered where to go from here. I’m knackered following the science and I haven’t caught it yet. The science or the virus. So I’ll keep following it, the science, even though we’re easing out of lockdown. Lockdown is like dog foul on our street. Easy enough to get into, but messy to get out of. (Sfx. dog bark)
Except, we’re all in it together, as I’ve been told for weeks now. I’m not so sure. It’s like we’re all at sea, only we’re not all swimming, we’re in different boats. (sfx. ship’s horn) I see private yachts and great cruisers on their way to isolated islands. I see dainty dinghies barely seaworthy. And I see crowded rowing boats, jammed full of people and not an oar among them. Same sea? Maybe. Different boats? Definitely.
Me and the people on my street are in the public sea. Certain politicians and commentators, say things like ‘the public wants reassurance, they want clarity’, which tells me that those people don’t see themselves in the public sea, like me and you.
Enough of this rambling. I’ve had ten good weeks of it and listeners must be deeved. This is my last ramble. I’ll away and wash me hands and sing happy birthday twice. I did that for three weeks solid at the start, then I realised I could wash the rest to me, so I had a shower. And after that I’ll make some cherry scones. This member of the public needs flour and baking soda. And buttermilk. And cherries. We’ll all need cherries in the new normal. I’ll be glad of them.
Thanks to Colum Arbuckle for sound production throughout the series. THE LAST ONE!
Broadcast on BBC Foyle, The Breakfast Show, 8.6.2020
Available on BBC Sounds. From 1 55 00https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m000jxlj
No comments:
Post a Comment